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yes, i've been finally graduated from uni now at last! (｡･･｡)
my journey through uni has been a really memorable tale of various highs and lows (then again it's ITB that we're talking about here) and i had this post below written on my personal Facebook profile on late July (shortly after i completed my thesis defence presentation) before to reflect on my journey, but since i only had my graduation ceremony earlier today i thought i'll share this story here on a more public space with you all as well.
happy reading, and may you all be blessed :)
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(...a reflection?)
oh, hey, at last -- i did it. i finally did it. (〃ー〃)
i know (and can very much understand) what some of you have in mind though : "but Niva, i thought you've had a rather bright track as a college student all this time! your grades are excellent, you've had your own legacies every here and there, and even you've been crowned as a national champion in IUGC! what took you so long to finish your undergraduate studies then?" -- well...
...in short, i got into a battle with severe depression and was losing against it.
yes, you read that right. i haven't told this to everyone bar a certain people in the past for some obvious reasons, but yes -- i was at a complete loss of motivation as a human being back then.
there was a period (for around more than a year or so) where i literally gave up on life so hard to the point that i made myself "disappear" from my real life contacts or so; i deliberately deleted my presence by never replying to any message, never showing up on every invitation that i had received, and the likes of it. at these times i just wanted to disconnect from the world due to my inner dark thoughts -- to some extent you could even say that back then i made it so that "my real self has never existed in the first place".
it may sound weird but my genuine wish back then was not to be cared by anyone, really... after all at that time i felt like i've been turning into way too much of a disappointment (even for my own self) and that i have nothing else meaningful to pursue. it came to my surprise though that no matter how hard i try to hide people were still coming back to me, asking how i've been, and ultimately telling me that they cared about me very much despise my sickly condition and would love to see me triumph on the top and fulfill all of my potentials... nonetheless, i found myself very welcomed when i finally decided to come back to finish where i left off after my one or a half year or so of disappearance. thank you guys very much for accepting me and allowing me to recover my long-lost confidence.
oh btw i'm not saying that i've been fully recovered from this depression by any means (i can still feel my inner loss of motivation coming at times) but i'm getting much better and i'm alright now, though. really. c:
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i've addressed most of my thanks in the thesis that i wrote for sure, but in this occasion i would like to deliver some more of my thanks to these following names and entities that has been incredibly meaningful to me in my journey thus far :
- osu! and the entire osu!community at large, especially the osu!mapping community, for reinstalling osu! out of boredom and getting back into the mapping scene in late 2017 was -- hands down -- the BEST decision i've ever done with my life. that was the point in my life where i realized that i -do- have what it takes in myself to achieve a respectable success (i finally got myself a long-delayed dream of getting myself a badge through my Featured Artist mapping contributions!) and that i always have all the amazing people from all over the world that i could connect and relate myself with.
- my dear and beloved girlfriend, for she has been such a meaningful partner for me in all these years. we might not be able to meet each other often due to our distance but she has been a caring and loving personality for more than two years now throughout despite knowing all these fight i had with myself. i really meant it heartfelt when i said my thanks to her for being such an understanding dear for me.
- and you! (*^-^)
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in the end, i'm simply thankful that i was given the trust and another chance to recover myself and to finish what i left off in a very positive remark. i genuinely can't stress my gratitude enough.
here's to the next chapter as always.
love,
~ n
